do not call me a "doll"
i'm not your doll. i'm not anyone's doll. i'm not a doll.
Only a few months after moving to New York I had a crush on a beautiful guy I met through a friend. One night, soon after I met him, we were sitting on his bed in candlelight and he leaned over and started kissing me. Obviously, I was convinced that he was in love with me. He pulled away from me for a second and with a sickening grin wide across his face, he said, “You’re my first doll.”
The word doll has existed for hundreds of years, the etymology of which traces back to the 16th century as a nickname for Dorothy or Dorothea. The word’s meaning has changed and adapted over the last 400 years. In some regions it can be a young attractive woman in or, traditionally in the south, doll is a term of endearment for well-mannered, potentially submissive, women. The most common way that we use the word now is to describe a toy of some kind.
The meaning of the word that I have a problem with, however, originally pertains to ballroom and trans culture. In ballroom culture, “doll” has always been a term of endearment between trans women. Sometimes this has to do with plastic surgery, especially when it comes to drag queens using the term. In the past few years, however, the term has entered the mainstream and allowed more people, cis-people specifically, to refer to trans women as “dolls.” Because of this, doll has now become synonymous for trans girl.
I hate this. I fucking hate this. Do not ever refer to me as a doll.
A few months ago, I was sitting with Sophia Lamar at her table at Paul’s Casablanca on a Thursday night. Someone, who I’d never seen before, came up to her and exclaimed, “Hi Doll!” Sophia instantly wagged her finger back and forth disapprovingly, shook her head, and only responded by saying “No” (a move that you’ve probably seen her do if you’ve spent any time around her… it’s awesome). She brushed this person away and turned towards me. Through the blasting club music and screaming chatter around us, she said, “I’m not a doll, I’m a human being.”
Her rejection of “doll” resonated with me. I hate the way cisgender people use that word to talk to me, or describe me. It’s a way for liberal “allies” to tell me they’ve clocked me. That they’ve figured me out. That they know my “secret.” As if I’m keeping it as some sort of secret.
Let me be clear when I say that I don’t have a problem at all with trans girls saying doll. I love when trans girls are self proclaimed dolls (i.e. Colin Jones being “col_the_doll” on instagram. I luv u Colin).
The real problem I have with being called a “doll” is that the cisgender people who use that word around me actually view me as a toy.
These cis girls treat me like a barbie doll. Some little toy that they like to dress up and play with and own, but not view as a person. Having a trans girl in your friend group is like the new version of having a chihuahua in your Hermès bag. It’s the new version of the gay best friend. You can tell when a cis girl views trans girls the same way that they view gay boys. They question the sexuality of any guy you talk to and ask you, “how are you soooo pretty?” but they try to say it in a way that attempts to come off as complimentary. In a lot of ways, they’re just jealous. I’m really lucky to be at a point in my life now where my closest friends just view me as a girl. Because I am a girl. I also think that because I’ve transitioned so long ago now, most of this stuff doesn’t apply to me anymore. I’m not really connected to being a “trans girl” anymore. I happen to be a trans girl, but I am much more connected to the simple term of girl. or woman. Regardless of how often this happens now, whenever a cis girl calls me a doll this is how I perceive it. So, do not call me a doll.
It is no secret that the type of man who would refer to me as a doll views me as a toy, but it’s in a different way than their cis woman counterparts. These men view me as a doll, but not a barbie doll. As a sex doll. A sexual object to use however they please. Men were taught not to hit girls, but a doll isn’t a real girl, so who cares. Slap her. Hit her. Choke her. Strangle her. These are the men who cheat on their slightly round cisgender girlfriends with young trans girls and don’t even consider it cheating. To him, she’s not “the other woman,” she’s not even a woman. She’s not even a person. Some taboo sexual fantasy, not to be taken seriously. I think back to the guy who told his friends that I was hot and cool and all, but not “dateable” in any serious way because I was 19 and trans. To him, I was an object with a very specific use (and use me he did). Being objectified by men isn’t a trans exclusive experience. Men just be out here objectifying all types of women all the time. I’ve objectified myself for men. But I’m not doing that anymore, because I’m not an object. Because I’m not a doll.
So, do not call me a doll.
you're awesome